What the navigator says

Real meaning

Of course it won't damage your car - it's all on smooth roads

Send a skip out the next day for the pieces

I was Mid-Wales regional champion in 1992

At flamenco dancing

The start is in Newcastle

The start is in Newcastle-under-Lyme

Our start time is 11:37

Our start time is 10:37

Go like the clappers - the organisers have pruned this section

We should have slotted left a mile back and now we're going the pretty way

Wait at the yellow board - we've got a couple of minutes in hand at this control

We've missed the previous two

The marshal's your side - ask him for 23:17

We should have been here at 23:15, but it's now 23:19 and we're trying it on

Go on dipped beam through this village - it's a quiet zone

We're trying to sneak unnoticed through a black spot

Do you mind if I open the window?

I am about to deposit my dinner on your lap

Gosh, there's number 25 in front of us again - he must be cutting a lot

He missed out our last three wrong slots

There's a very tricky slot in the next half mile

There was a very tricky slot in the last half mile

This crest looks flat on the map

This crest is immediately followed by a fresh air hairpin left, on cow shit

Thank heavens we're off the rough bit - I can read the map now

We've just flown over the edge

We're going over a fold in the map

We're going flat out into a tight 90 right, steep downhill onto a narrow stone bridge

I'm just changing maps

For the next five miles, I will be reading you the wrong road

Sorry, it's not as map

Not as the bit of map I was looking at, anyway

Put your foot down - look, we're much closer to the car in front

There are three unmarked hairpins between him and us

We're taking a short cut along a farm road

It has six gates to open, the last of which is padlocked and guarded by a crazed Rottweiler

This white road is a downhill-only goer

We are going to spend the rest of the night in a muddy chasm

The buggers have sent us on to Map 135 without specifying it

The Public Library's copy of Map 135 was out, and I hoped that there wouldn't be too much of the route on it

The bastards have put the code board facing the wrong way

We have just wrong-approached a passage control

Keep your boot in, this ford is not very deep

We are going down the slipway into Kielder Water

Have you farted?

I have farted

I know where we are now

We've been lost for the last 20 minutes

I know this road backwards

Unfortunately, we're doing it forwards

I know this area like the back of my hand

Unfortunately, I'm wearing gloves

I made our stage time there a few seconds quicker than the organisers

I forgot to start the watch

I agree with the finish time the marshal gave us

I forgot to stop the watch

We finished the last stage on 27 and the previous car was on 45 so we took 18 seconds off him

He took 42 seconds off us

I'm sure this isn't Mikkola's Bend

This is Mikkola's Bend

There are no spectators so it must be flat

There are 300 spectators hiding in the trees, and Top Gear are just round the corner

Fast left - 200 - ABSOLUTELY flat crest - 200

Oops - I turned over two pages at once

Our service crew are just round this corner

Our service crew are in the Red Horse

Yes, we've plenty of time for a gearbox change

We've got six minutes and 22 seconds, but I'm off to get a meat pie and have a dump, and you won't see me for the next quarter of an hour

I'm just seeing if the entry list is under the seat

I think I left our time card at the last control

There's no need to check the results - the computer never gets it wrong

We've been given all the penalties of car 57 who missed the last six tests

Well driven!

My grandmother could have gone quicker

I'd love to do the next event with you

If nothing better turns up

I'll split the costs

I'll buy you half a pint

Oh bugger!

Oh bugger!